HOW TO: Combat those pesky telemarketers

[Roy Hersh]

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company." You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

[Alan C.]

Roy,

I presume you've had one or two calls???

If you've got good acting skills, or you just want a good laugh, try this version....

http://www.passado.com/blogEntry.aspx?entry_id=79933

Alan

[Andy Velebil]

Ahh, very good advice...I will have to try this the next time one calls :twisted:

[Guest]

1. Political Donation Calls: "I give all my money through the Democratic National Committe / Republican National Committee / etc."

2. Charity Donation Calls: "I do all my charitable giving through my church."

3. Marketing Calls: Having been married to a marketing for 10 years, I can vouch that this works - If you get a call for someone wanting to ask you some questions (as opposed to trying to sell you something) tell them at the first chance you get to speak that you actually work for a marketing research firm. They will say "Thank You" and hang up. Marketers absolutely do NOT want people who are in the marketing industry responding to their questions. I can't recall a single instance that this hasn't worked for marketing calls.

4. Any unsolicited calls to my cell phone: "You are calling me on my cell phone." In the US at least, I think there must be laws about telemarketers calling cell phones. Unlike land lines, incoming calls to cell phones cost the consumer $$, so telemarkers usually hang up right away.

5. Sales calls - see Roy's first post.

[Mike McCune]

A persistent lady kept calling and leaving messages asking for "the woman of the household". Finally, she called when I was home. I picked up the phone and in my deepest, burliest voice I said "THIS IS BARBARA"! She started laughing and kept it up till I eventually hung up. She hasn't called back since.

[Roy Hersh]

Mike,

I can't believe you'd hang up on your wife like that!?!?!?!

[Jay Powers]

In the US, we have a "don't call list" which I have joined, and Carolyn, seprately, several times. This list is supposed to protect you from said calls.

However, this does not seem to work very well, as we keep getting calls.

My solution is very simple, if somewhat harsher than Roy's:

a: First establish that it's not the local policeman's, fireman's, or PTA's benefit organization.

b: Lift the handy fireman's whistle that you keep by your phone.

c: Remind them that you are on the no call list, and they are calling you in contrast to local and federal law

d: Bring the whistle as close as you can to your lips and to the phone, and blow like hell.

I promise, that particular individual will never call you again, for any reason.

Jay

[Todd Pettinger]

Oh Jay, you certainly are mean!!! :)

We also have a Do Not Call list in Canada. Too bad all of the companies ignore it. There are no real penalties in place to prevent it... they get what amounts to a slap on the wrists - not even!

Stupid telemarketers... the whistle is a good idea.

I usually give the phone to either my 2 yr old or (almost) 4 yr old and tell them to go hold it in front of their nosiest toy. Amusing! Some of them actually hang on and do not hang up... amazing really. You'd think that once they realized that my kid or Sesame Street isn't gonna buy anything from them, they'd hang up, but I guess not always.

The other thing I do on occasion, when I am feeling in a particularly playful mood, is to ask the person on the other end if they would like to buy some girl guide cookies from me to support my daughter. Of course, they always try to get around that one, but I pester them "how about coffee - we're selling coffee to support the local Scouts program? no? How about raffle tickets/50-50 tickets/draw tickets? No, what about.... "

Depends on how creative I feel... Sometimes a quick web search (the computer is conveniently located beside the phone) for kids fund raisers yields some pretty fun results to play with the telemarketers....

Todd

[Julian D. A. Wiseman]

1. Register all your numbers with www.donotcall.gov.

2. >31 days later, if there’s a call, get the name of the company. If it starts with an automated voice, press the I-am-interested button. Write down name of company, and phone number. Ask for name of company. They will probably hang up. Go to that same website, and click on File a complaint button, and follow instructions.

In the UK it is possible to register for a similar service, which BT doesn’t advertise, via the Telephone Preference Service on 0845 0700707.